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Maryland, DC, and Virginia's State History As Told By ...
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Maryland, DC, and Virginia's State History As Told By ... - September 14, 2010, 12:20 AM

As told by Encyclopedia Dramatica


Maryland

Maryland is a state of the United States of America, known for its crabs (this refers not to the ocean fare but to the sexual disease), its exquisite crustaceans, its minuscule size, and the copious amount of snow it receives. The state is also associated with liberals, Mexicans, niggas and people better than you.


History and Region


Maryland used to be part of the South, a loving member of the Dixie family. Then one day in 1861, the Yankees drove over to Maryland’s house, slapped her in the face, and said, “Listen, bitch, you’re part of the Northeast now.” No, seriously, the reason Maryland didn't join the Confederacy is because Union troops got stationed there to prevent it from trying and also DC didn't want be be fucked by being surrounded by the enemy. Nowadays, Maryland likes to pretend that it was always a Northeast state.
Note to the South: Maryland niggas send a big fuck-you.

Maryland resident Shaquanda Brown, a history student at College Park (which is where every young person in the state must go for higher education), said of the split, “It was long overdue. I mean, have you looked outside lately? There are snowdrifts up to the tenth floor. I don’t know who we thought we were kidding.”

Maryland’s regional confusion has been heightened by the fact that, while the state is clearly not Southern, the Northeast still thinks that it’s “kind of clingy” and complains that it “smells funny.” Even though Maryland desperately wishes to be a part of the Northeast, real Northeastern states from Connecticut to Maine (fuck NY, PA, NY and DE too, they're posers... they belong to the rust belt) consider Maryland to be a self-hating Southern state in denial because of its past and present cultural connections with the South. St. Mary's County, a tobacco-farming county that still uses slaves, is a primary example of why Maryland will never truly be anything else than a fucktarded confused Southern state.

Geography

Maryland is approximately the size of a thimble, a remarkable feat given that half of America’s black population resides in Baltimore City. The state is divided into two parts: Baltimore, and Everywhere Else.

Maryland was initially shaped like a pretty flower, but Republican lawmakers thought it would be funny to make all of the liberals live in a state that looks like a gun.


Baltimore


(Moar like BaltiLESS, amirite??) Baltimore has developed a distinctive culture.

The city’s rich urban traditions can be found in the diversity of its sea food, which includes crabs, crab cakes, crab chips, crab soup, crab lasagna (called “seafood lasagna” by some speds), and, of course, crab chicken.

Baltimore's official sport is murder. There are two major teams that compete in this sport, and the documentary "The Wire" goes into detail about this competition.


Everywhere Else


The suburban and rural parts of Maryland are said to be quite nice in the summer. Due to the fact that the state’s roughly seven million people have been packed into a coastal territory that could easily fit inside of most shopping malls, 99.9% of Marylanders own beachfront property.

This makes for some awesome pool parties.

Unfortunately, the charm of these areas is largely lost in the winter, when Everywhere Else is buried for seven months under approximately forty feet of snow. Similarly, the coastlines that seem so pleasant in July become deadly in November, when Maryland communities are routinely devastated by “ice tsunamis.”
Residents of Everywhere Else think that Baltimorons are pussies because they only get 45 feet of snow a week.

Until the state banned the death penalty in 2002 (they’re stupid Democrats, remember), a favorite method of execution was to simply open the front door of the courthouse and kick the convicted offender outside without a jacket.

Maryland’s women have adapted to the state’s Arctic wintertime temperatures by forgoing any form of shaving whatsoever from October to May.

Ironically, 86% of Maryland’s workers are employees of the Federal government, despite the fact that each and every citizen of the state loathes President Bush and are cousins to President Obama (cause they are niggas). The conundrum raised by this incongruous reality is resolved when we remember that these workers and the state as a whole are in fact part of a massive, clandestine secession plot.


Liberals

Since niggas always vote Democrat, Maryland is the second most liberal state in the country after Traitor-land (Massachusetts). Baltimore was to be renamed “Kerryville” in the event of a Democratic victory in the 2004 presidential election.

The four liberal counties recently elected Martin O'Malley as governor. O'Malley's major accomplishments include being in a band, sleeping with your girlfriend, raising the sales tax and letting Baltimore Gas & Electric fuck its customers.


Mason-Dixon Line


This is the obligatory reference to the Mason-Dixon Line that, by law, must be mentioned in any piece about Maryland despite the fact that the border no longer has any relevance at all as a cultural dividing point. However, a lot of people in parts of Maryland such as the Eastern Shore, Western Maryland and other areas that are not completely infested with niggas act like fucking hicks hinting at its origins.


==================================================



Virginia
The only state with tits and a giant dildo on the flag


The Commonwealth of Virginia(moar liek vaginia amirite?) is the home of at least 100 total perverts and has endless supplies of 12 year old girls and 40 year old virgins. All are engaged in making pr0n so they can keep pace with the monetary and financial status of the rest of the free world. The age of consent is 14 here, so have fun. If for whatever reason you decide to relocate to this fine state, it's important to understand that you will die alone.


History
Virginia's always been a peaceful, progressive state with a diverse population.
Over 9000 years ago a bunch of unsuccessful gay prostitutes decided they needed a new customer base. They forced a drunken pedophile named Captain John Smith to steal a ship and take them to Holland where their beliefs could flourish. Unfortunately Smith took a wrong turn and they ended up landing in a swamp somewhere in America. Most of them starved to death because there wasn't room on the ship for food after all of their vibrators and anal beads were aboard. Not deterred, the colonists started trading blow jobs for food and a couple managed to survive the winter.

From then until last Thursday, Virginia was home to inbred rednecks who owned slaves on tobacco plantations. Back in the old days, Virginia and West Virginia were one state. They split into two over Congress outlawing barebacking in 1862.

Virginia's always been a peaceful, progressive state with a diverse population.



Geography
The Virginia of today has two regions: northern Virginia (noVa), and real Virginia.

NoVa is a vibrant melting pot of Democratic voters who will all die clutching their cellphones in the next harsh winter.

In real Virginia there are no towns, only rings of houses built around garbage dumps. Yeehaw! Virginia: come for the incest and stay for the pig-fucking!

The twin centers of public life are the local church and the grocery store. At the church, residents learn about the hellish fate awaiting all of the heretic homosexuals and Democrats. At the grocery store, typically a Bloom's, shoppers and clerks operate at the flow rate of molasses.
Arlington

Charlottesville


"C-ville", as it is known to its denizens, is in noVa and is the site of the University of Virginia (Chris-chan is currently stalking women at this college). Everyone else is rich and shops at Whole Foods. UVA students are allowed to walk in front of cars and the cars have to stop! Friday nights feature Prius drag races in front of the college. Black teenagers are allowed to beat up UVA students and are encouraged to wear matching white T-shirts to deter identification. Thomas Jefferson lived here so the town's drug of choice is crack.

Langley

This is where the Central Intelligence Agency is headquartered. It is also one of the places China/Iran/Russia will nuke because of said agency, commencing World War III.
Richmond

Capital of Virginia (AKA Bitchmond).
In essence it seems to be a mixed epicenter of angry niggas, republicans and stupid VCU hipsters trying to nab that useless art degree. Richmonders (AKA Bitches) complain just about everything.

Bitchmond isnt known for much besides that stupid war 9000 years ago deciding if blue or gray would be the next black that season. No seriously, they have no claim to fame, nobody cares about this shithole because it's citizens are a bunch of self centered dicks still jerking off about their "rich history". We have old ass monuments and buildings but who gives a flying shit? Every other capital in Dumbfuckistan has them too! Bitchmond isnt exactly southern and we aren't exactly northern so that makes things fucking dumb. They are the middle child that everyone doesn't care about nor should they.

Bitchmond tries to stay cultured by keeping art galleries open and hosting it every first friday of the month. Sounds nice? Fuck no! It just gets cluster fucked by skinny jean wearing art hipsters who bum all the appetizers and beer. Most of the time the artists that show up in these galleries do nothing new so its all a bunch of shit. Not to mention we have a HARDCOREZ scene where a bunch of ironic faggots show up in a club and spin around mindlessly in a messy sweaty pit of faggotry. No seriously, swinging your arms around like a massive retard and thrashing around like you are a kid off his meds is considered awesome, they call it "moshing" or some gay shit. But hey the hipsters aren't the only problem in Bitchmond. You know what happened to all the slaves when they were set free? They sure as hell didn't go north, they settled on the main shit vein of Bitchmond, Broad Fucking Street. The deeper you go into Broad Street the more niggarish it becomes. It's the only fucking place you can find a KFC, pawn shop and check/cashing center on the same block. The ******s in Richmond are the only ones keeping the GRTC bus lines in business because they are too poor to buy a fucking car due to the fact the prices of KFC and grape drink have gone up. Places like Wiccomb Court are a true example of niggardom, where their is a 10 o clock curfew and anyone out beyond that hour is shot dead by Bitchmond police and promtly planted with a gun and some coke. It's easy to make fun of the ******s in Bitchmond as they can only run so fast or peddle as hard to catch you in your car, which they don't have.

Henrico

The outer niggaland to Richmond. Roll up and down Azalea Ave. and you will see exactly what that means. Usually Henrico is known for their usual drug busts at whatever shady motel in the area such as the Chamberlayne Motel and the Tree Pines Motel specifically. Besides the blackie ghettos their is a nice area called Lakeside, also known as the white trash ghetto. It's were you can find the occasional wigger trashing up the streets or the many homeless chaps who defecate in the local playgrounds and expose themselves to anything that moves. Usually Henrico pigs are much more lax than the one's in Richmond and especially much more lax than the VCU police which rival Hitlers jew stomping gestapo.

Stafford
The cutoff point for noVa. Anything south of this town is filled with incest, bestiality, and general dumbfuckery. Anything north of it is either the poor AIDS infested niggas of DC, the dipshits that rule noVa, or their spic slaves.

A group of churchgoing Southerners express their support for the maintenance of the holy pact of marriage between a man and your mom

Contrary to common belief, there is quite a bit to do in Stafford. The whores are quite common, many are in high school, and they will welcome you to their homes for a little rub and tug.


Fredericksburg


This shit-hole town of faggotry is filled with yuppies, AIDS, tourists, wiggers, emos and is the future site of the National ****** Museum (always under construction, because ******s took all the money for crack, bitches, PCP and 40 oz of Colt 45.

Fredericksburg has an Indie Music scene, which sucks ass, because it's always the same 4 bands. The best place to get coffee is Hyperion, because the Starbucks are run by faggots who jizz in the lattes.

Fredericksburg is also the site of many events that happened at least 100 years ago. approximately over 9000 civil war troops died of AIDS and STDs, as well as some actual battles here. There are 2 cemeteries, the National Cemetary and the Confederate Cemetery. of these, the National Cemetery is the most fun to go smoke weed in at night, because it is not routinely patrolled by the local Nazi Police Force.

The University Of Mary Washington is here, and it has a 70-30 ratio of women to men. It is the best place to find drunk chicks all to willing to get raped on a Saturday night.

Thomas Jefferson went to a local bar here and snorted a line of coke and wrote the Declaration of Independence at least 100 years ago.

Hampton Roads

According to Hampfags: Hampton Roads is one of the least shitty places in the state of Virginia. We have a motherfucking BEACH, bitch. Norfolk even has a huge fucking naval base! Portsmouth (P-town) is full of ******s, but doesn't have anything cool in it and if you go you'll probably just get raped. Virginia Beach ... well, it's a fucking beach, what more do you want? Hampton Roads is also well known for its well-designed, efficient system of tunnels which ensures everyone gets to work on time.


According to the rest of Virginia: There is no Hampton Roads, only a bunch of tourist traps created by rednecks wanting to make a quick buck from the military bases and the poor souls unfortunate enough to be stationed there. They wish they were in noVa, but being nowhere near Washington, DC, cannot pull off the accent well enough to fool anyone. If it weren't for stupid and desperate military men looking for whores, this area would be nothing more than a speck on the map (like the rest of Virginia).


The Truth about Hampton Roads is that it has traffic that is almost as bad as Northern Virginia. You will spend approximately six years in various traffic jams caused by VDOTS's eternal roadwork that is set up just to spend fucking money.
Notable Hampfags

* White_Paw
* PETA (banned for furryness), NATO Headquartered in Norfolk
* Michael Vick from Newport News
* Pat Robertson from Virginia Beach

Ruckersville


This cowtown wouldn't be noticeable or worthy of attention if not for the fact that Chris-chan the ass-pie currently resides here with his parents.

=============================================



Washington, DC

The U.S. Mint’s state quarter for Washington, DC, commemorates one of the city’s proudest moments: the 1990 arrest of then-Mayor Marion Barry for possession and use of crack cocaine. At the time of his arrest, Barry was quoted as saying, “Goddamn setup . . . I'll be goddamn . . . bitch set me up,” a reference to a former girlfriend. DC voters would later re-elect Barry in order to stick it to The Man.



Washington, D.C. is the capital of the United States and also America. It is best known for its high crime rate, rate of AIDS, and perpetual NFL doormat, the Washington Redskins (Who really suck are just having another rebuilding year just suck are pretty good this year.... oops they suck again).


Law and Government

Due to the high concentration of bureaucratic fucks, it is illegal to polish a handgun while chain-smoking in one of DC's many gay bars. In a series of concessions to the criminal community, mugging, panhandling, and public urination are tolerated and actively encouraged by local police.


DC Neighborhoods

Adams Morgan - Home of your average frat drunk douchebag. In the summer, each bar sponsors it's own date raep team that competes against all the other teams. The team that has the most rapes by the end of the summer gets a trophy. Madams Organ has won 10 years in a row.

Anacostia - Jampacked with nigras and, consequently, home to over 9000 chicken joints, liquor stores and pawn shops but no supermarkets. Literally no honkies for miles. However, due to the residents' easy access to hookers and blow makes Anacostia one of the most convenient places to live, since every person that you see will have access to either or both. National capital of ruin.

Columbia Heights - Here be an awkward mix of spics and yuppies moving into expensive newly built condos which are squeezing out the aforementioned spics. The only place you're more likely to get killed by a machete than a bullet.

Dupont Circle - Where yuppies and faggots live. Lulz ensue when young future politicians explore their desire for teh cock in the ass in this neighborhood with Larry Craig.


Georgetown - filled with rich Christfag douchebags who pop their collars.

The Mall - Tourists traveling in gangs to protect themselves from nigras. Petrified of ending up in the wrong neighborhood which presents golden opportunities for Trolling IRL

Palisades - Much like Georgetown, but more boring and full of rapists.

U Street See Columbia Heights, only with nigras instead of spics.

Union Station The men's bathroom here was where Larry Craig went to cruise for teh cock while on break from Clowngress.



Tourism

The District is a fucking magnet for dumbass tourists who have a collective IQ that makes Forest Gump seem like Albert fucking Einstein by comparison. This should be obvious because anyone who would find shit white buildings and getting mugged in broad daylight remotely attractive has to be pretty down low there on the evolutionary scale. Tourists in DC come from all walks of life, everything from nostalgic oldfags to mothers who refuse to go anywhere without their crying and screaming devilspawn. No matter where you go in the District, you are guaranteed to run into at least one motherfucker who will do something incredibly moronic that will manage to either make or fuck up your day.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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September 14, 2010, 04:55 AM

Best shit yet!!!

Best quote I read, "Stafford:The cutoff point for noVa. Anything south of this town is filled with incest, bestiality, and general dumbfuckery."
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September 14, 2010, 07:24 AM

Virginia - If for whatever reason you decide to relocate to this fine state, it's important to understand that you will die alone.


True....


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September 14, 2010, 07:32 AM

prolly one of the stupidest things you have posted


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September 14, 2010, 07:36 AM

need to hang out in stafford more...
also about mary washington, all lies, I know, I went there


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September 14, 2010, 08:12 AM

"Baltimore's official sport is murder. There are two major teams that compete in this sport, and the documentary "The Wire" goes into detail about this competition."

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September 14, 2010, 08:32 AM

sounds like a fake me out Dave Chapelle...


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September 14, 2010, 08:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by blushin View Post
prolly one of the stupidest things you have posted
Agreed

Got as far as "niggas" in the first paragraph, and tapped out based on shear stupidity.

The only thing this post does is make me insanely jealous...
jealous that be it at work or at home, Heist this much free time
on his hands!


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September 14, 2010, 10:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildjester View Post
Agreed

Got as far as "niggas" in the first paragraph, and tapped out based on shear stupidity.

The only thing this post does is make me insanely jealous...
jealous that be it at work or at home, Heist this much free time
on his hands!
Insomnia + Underemployment makes for a devil's playground.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blushin View Post
prolly one of the stupidest things you have posted
You just have to accept it for the sheer absurdity, tinged with some very real fact and statements, that it is.

Yeah, they went a little heavy on the "N" word - but even I'm not offended because it was fricking outlandish.

It was like the state historians did a line of coke, after doing a pint of Jack Daniels and decided they were going to write their version of events.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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September 14, 2010, 11:03 AM

This post makes me wish I was still single so I could Pearl Harbor a chick from MD.


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September 23, 2010, 11:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildjester View Post
Agreed

Got as far as "niggas" in the first paragraph, and tapped out based on shear stupidity.

The only thing this post does is make me insanely jealous...
jealous that be it at work or at home, Heist this much free time
on his hands!
the more you post, the gayer you get.

article skipped over a lot of md shit, but whatever, much lulz
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September 23, 2010, 11:30 AM

Crab chicken.... yum my favorite.
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September 23, 2010, 08:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stillie View Post
This post makes me wish I was still single so I could Pearl Harbor a chick from MD.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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August 6, 2018, 05:41 PM

Don’t know why I’m bumping this. I needed a laugh



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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August 6, 2018, 09:27 PM

Gay


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