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Join Date: August 25, 2008
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September 1, 2011, 09:44 PM

I'm waking up out of my Vicoden high right now and feel like writing ... so forgive the rambling. You guys know I jot my little adventures in the land of Murphy's Law down on here from time to time.

.................................................. ...............

Woke up this morning around 5 to this throbbing pain shooting across my palette and my jaw feeling sore.
I immediately thought, "Gem! He came and did something to me in my sleep. I'll kill him!" After pausing for a second, I remembered he was in Texas. Phew!

I hop up and make my way to the bathroom. This is when I notice the right side of my face feels heavy. I look in the mirror and WTF!, I see the right side of my face from my upper jaw down to my chin swollen about 1/3 larger than my left and my right cheek was very puffy.

Ok, so Chris Brown didn't mistaken me for Rihanna last night - what the hell is going on?

I open my mouth and pull the inside of my of cheek back and then I notice it. Sitting just above my #3 molar up on the gum line is a smasher marble size bump. What the hell is that?
I'm pretty good on dental hygiene. Brush 2x a day. Floss 3-4x a week. I already have a fair amount invested in my choppers. Went through ortho twice! Once in my early teens and again in my mid-20's because I was a jackass and didn't wear my retainers, so I'm definitely protecting the investment so to speak.

I poke it and immediately my knees buckle. It felt as if I just lit a match in my mouth! Christ! The pain made my eye tear up like it was wired directly to a tear duct.

I jump on the phone and call my dentist's emergency line. They're not sure if he can book me this morning - if today at all. Dammit. I find an old dentist I used to use. He doesn't take my plan anymore. F*ck! Third one is an answer service and say they may be able to squeeze me in for 3:30.

Oh hell no. Not going to risk it. After a deep breath, I decide to go with an OLD standby I used when I was in college and had no insurance for awhile; UMD Medical School in Baltimore. I know they take walk-ins so long as you get there before 7am and accept just about any plan known to man - if they don't, their fees are 1/2 what any private practice would charge.

It's 6am now and I want to make sure I get in before all the slots are taken. I throw on some sweats, make a quick protein shake and eat just about anything soft I can find in my fridge to load up on calories because god only knows when I'll be able to eat for the rest of the day, down 3 Aleve and bolt out the door.

About 10 minutes into my drive up 95 the Aleve's take full affect. Nice. Sweet relief.
As I am coming onto Howard St offramp I notice traffic slowing - slowing - crawling - stop. I figure their must be an accident. Great.

Then I look up and see a bunch of construction equipment and asphalt rollers maneuvering across the street slowing down traffic. Why they HELL is Baltimore doing road construction at 6:45 in the morning.

Then it hits me - DAMMIT the f*cking B-more Grand Prix! It just so happened I was on the backstraight and the track itself was still under construction! They were literally paving over the light rail railroad tracks and constructing the barrier walls up and down Calvert and Pratt Sts.

Although the Dental School is only 6 blocks from the course, it took me 15 minutes to get there because delays. I roll up the sign-in sheet and got the VERY last open slot. The receptionist looked at me as said, "You got lucky. There are no more slots after this and because of the race - we're not open tomorrow."

As I am sitting waiting the Aleve's potency is starting to tail off. Every 5 minutes I feel the intensity of the pain ramping up. I have a fast metabolism so pain management drugs, their effecacy is usually shorter. By 9 o'clock my metabolism has pretty much burnt through the Aleve and now the real pain rollers are coming. Waves of pain and then nothing.

I'm clenching my teeth and have my eyes firmly shut with my Iphone blaring music to put my mind elsewhere waiting for them to call me, and halfway through the Tron 2 soundtrack I start tasting this foul crap.
I run to the bathroom, open my mouth and notice the marble sized cyst is weeping nasty puss. As soon as that happens, I realize - FUCK I HAVE AN INFECTION! How the hell did I get an infection?!

I ask for the attendant for gauze and she tells me she'll bump me up the list to the next available appointment. 15 minutes later I meet me student doctor. Nice guy from Montgomery Co. named Michael. Real churchy type. Bible study - wife - on his way to graduate in May. The kind of guy who makes you feel a bit jealous because you probably didn't have your shit together at 24-25 like he does.
Crack a couple of jokes with him to loosen him up and make him feel like I'm not going to be "that" patient - the one who expects miracles and is going to moan and groan the entire time.

We go through the medical pre-screening. Quick exam, check-up, and X-Rays. Then he laughs and says, "I guess you're here for the infection?"
I laugh and say, "No, I was just coming in for a routine cleaning. Why, do you see something wrong?"

A few minutes later he pulls up my X-Rays. His eyes light up. We have charts for you from all the way back in 2001. You've done a good job. No new cavities or receeding gums. Everything outside of that one tooth looks good but I have some good news and bad news.

Me: What?

Him: The good, you have some of the longest and largest roots I have ever seen on any patient. Your teeth are very strong.

Me: Bad?.

Him: The bad, is that it appears an old amalgam filling developed a hairline crack. I didn't even pick it up visually. But you can see it in the X-Ray. That crack allowed bacteria to seep inside the pulp and infect the tooth and the infection spread up to the gumline.


Me: What, you're kidding. I mean I felt a little tingle on Monday but thought at worst it was a cavity. It was gone by Wednesday.

Him: Yeah, remember I said your teeth are strong - they're also reality insensitive. You barely responded to anything when I ran the cold test. Most people would have cringed.
We can try a root canal, but I don't think there will be enough tooth surface left to do a good crown...

Me: Ok, so what no....

Him: Unfortunately, we're going to have to extract the molar.

Me: Shit! No. Come on - there's really nothing else that can be done?
(Call me vain, but I have a real stigma about severely crooked and missing teeth. It's something my family sort of drilled into me. )

Him: I can't guarantee the crown. Extraction is going to be the safest and best bet. Then we can discuss bridge or a dental implant.

Me: ...

Him: I also have to tell you, because the roots are large and long - this may not be an easy extraction. I'm going to block off your face but you may feel something because the nerves are long enough that they may be crossed.

Me: NOX?

Him: We don't have it.

Me: Dammit...Ok, lets just get this done.

........

He calls in his assistant and the fun begins. A very cute Asian girl in her mid-twenties who, had I not had a face like the RYU, YOU LOSE screen,

I probably would have tried to flirt with.

A few needles in 3 minutes I'm feeling nothing. My face is frozen like I just did a few lines of coke with Fitz. Oh course, next comes the inevitable novacaine induced line of spit / dribble that has to be most elastic substance known to me. You can't break it, you can't snap it, and it just seems to flow forth from the numbed up corner of your mouth like spider silk.

Mike's assistant finally notices that I'm drooling and hits me with the suction.
(Sidenote: I know suction is good - but why on gods earth is it so STRONG. The damn is a mini-shop vac in your mouth and sucks in your tongue, cheek lining, lip , anything it gets near. It's sucking up saliva and blood - not nuts and bolts! Is there not a way for them to modulate the suction strength?)

Now comes the fun part. I heard him attaching various devices and clamps to the tooth. He's wrenching and pulling. Pressing down. Pulling up. Wiggling side to side. Although I can't feel the pain - the physical pressure and pulling inside your mouth and counterpressure on your forehead that he has to use for leverage is not comforting.
Your jawbone acts like an amplifier and the creaking and clicking reverberating inside your head is nothing short of unsettling.

This tug of war game inside my mouth goes on for at least 10 minutes. I hear him panting and grunting the same way you would when you encounter a nut that's frozen onto a bolt.

Her: Nothing yet?

Him: No. Not an inch.

Her: You're kidding?

Him: Look at his charts.

Her: My gawd. Those roots are huge. He's never going to lose a tooth.

Me: Mrrphaha rmmhmh on thamuyy nbanaamamm.

Him: What's that.

Me: Mey dnetistth hah ko wcut my wismom teef in hulf an pll whout da pewcies to whet dem whout.

Him: Oh, that's a technique they use if they're impacted. I want to get this out cleanly and in one piece if possible.

Her: Do you want to try the Millers? (Assuming this is some kind of special extraction tool)

Him: Yeah, but get me the big ones. The Millers on steroids.

Her: Ok. I've never seen anyone use those either.

A minute passes.... she comes back. More clamping and wrenching.

Him: Prep me another shot, I read in his old file's notes he burns through novacaine pretty quick.

Her: Wait, you just got movement.

Now he starts doing this circular motion around and around in my mouth like when you're trying to bend off a tab.
Another 40 seconds and he lets out a big sigh...

Him: Got it! That was a big sucker. Ok, we're going to press down on your face gently to squeeze out the remaining infection - ok.

Me: Gmmme anucka shot.

Him: No need. The tooth is out. We're just going to give you a packet with gauze, post operative instructions, and

Me: Gmmme anucka shot cause I havva ride home 30 minuuts then wate fur my Vicoden sciption to gut filled. Iz wearin off already ann imma be in alut of pain.

Him: ....

Me: C'mon man...just zoo it.

Him: OK.

Him: Would you like to see the tooth.

Me: No. I heit iz rught now.

Him: Ok, I'm done. My assistant will give you the post instructions. Do you have any questions for me?

Me: Yez, do I getz a lollipop?

Laughs all around.

Leaving the parking garage, I fight my way down MLK traffic which is completely screwed because of the GP Track. What should have been a 2 minute dash onto 95 turns into a 10 minute slog to go all of 1 mile.

I get onto 95 and push it. Steady 75-80 mph short bursts of 90mph when I can see no hiding spots for police.
I know in the back of my head if I do not get to CVS and get this prescription in the next 20 minutes, I am going to be for a world of hurt. Getting a tooth ripped out of your head is not something the body responds well to.

As I'm approaching Columbia, I see a tinted out Charger in my rearview about 3/4 mile down the highway rolling up fast. The grill is blacked out and it doesn't look "right" so I ease off the gas letting it coast down to 80 - 77 - 75 - 72 mph and change to the number two lane.

Charger changes lanes...

FUCK! But since I was numbed up it came out more like FAAAWK with a line of spizzle running down my shirt.

I already know what's going to happen, so before he even lights me up I put on my hazards and just pull on over. Roll my windows down and shut off the engine. He throws on his lights anyway.

It's a State Trooper. Yipee.

Trooper: Hello sir, license and registration .... do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yez; I was spleeding. Noz even gonna deniez it. Pluhzee juz white mei up quickly. I reallyz need to get home.

Trooper: Are you OK, sir. Have you had anything to drink today? Have you taken any medication or drugs?

Me: No, Iz just haz mergency toof extraction done at Medizcal College in Balmore. Iz wuz a vury bad infuction. Im still numz up. See...
<Turn my head to the right so he can see the inflamed and swollen side of my face>
butz I wuz tryin to get hume befur the nozacane wear off so I culd take my pain killars.
Don't want zoo risk driving while onz Vicozen. Thatz why I wuz spleeding.

Trooper: Abscessed huh? I had one of those before. It should be better now if they cleared all the infection but that socket is going to hurt.

Me: Yez. I ezpect it but diz not ezpect to loose a toof today or else I wuld have haz someone drize me thur.

Trooper: Mr. Heist, I'm going to run your license. If everything comes back clear, I'm going to cut you a break and write you up for a minor speeding violation. But you need to slow it down. Way down. Radar said you were doing 81 and I got a call that a motorist said you passed them doing over 100mph near Baltimore.

Me: Understoodz. Thars no need for me lie. I wuz spleeding.. but I know for shure I was nevar over or near 100, sare.
(Under normal circumstances I would have never said that - I don't even know why I offered that piece of info up. )

Trooper: Ok, sit tight.

10 minutes goes by and I'm getting the pitters. What's taking so long? Can't they just punch this crap in a computer nowadays and get a report in less than 2 minutes?

Just as I get that first glint that the novacaine is beginning to wear off, the Trooper steps out his car, walks over, gives me my license and my copy of the ticket, then sends me on my way with a secondary warning to slow it down and tells me if I want to contest it, I'm free to go Annapolis on the court date and explain my story to the judge who may reduce the fine.

Yes! What a wonderful spat of luck I've had the entire day.

I reach into my glovebox and pound back two more Aleve just to prep for the novacaine wear off. Sure enough, just as I'm about 2 minutes from pulling into CVS the caine is done. The Aleve I popped 10 minutes before that helps take the edge off and bite off but this sort of trauma and pain is way too much for two piddly 200 mg Aleve to manage.

Jog back to the Pharmacy pick-up counter, get my prescription, and ask the Pharmacist to take a pill splitter and split two Vicodens for me. She looks at me kinda funny and I have that "I'm in pain, just do it bitch!" glare on my face.

She splits the them and I dig right into the bottle and down it like a crack fiend trying to get the last bit of shake. Sweet relief comes in about 4 minutes and the pain is gone.

7 hours since my day began, I pull into my driveway - wrap an icepack to my head and nod off ... another wonderful day in the life of Heist.

....

So, today's tally:
- Parking: $20
- 12 Vicoden: $13
- Check-up & X-Rays: $47
- Extraction: $69
- Speeding Ticket - $175 (but maybe $100 if I go to court).
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG_0362[1].jpg (498.5 KB, 37 views)
File Type: jpg IMG_0363[1].jpg (506.2 KB, 27 views)
File Type: jpg IMG_0366[1].jpg (509.4 KB, 26 views)



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527


Last edited by Heist; September 2, 2011 at 03:45 AM..
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  (#2)
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September 1, 2011, 09:59 PM

Dude that sucks, I feel for you, I had an abscessed molar when I was a kid, that is a brutal, special kind of pain


-Craig

Confusing the issue, since before you were ugly.


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September 1, 2011, 10:06 PM

Tasted likehow a skunk smells huh?


[SIGPIC]http://www.griseldaonline.it/foto/6galleria/tradimenti/warhol%20last%20supper%201986.jpg[/SIGPIC]The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

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September 1, 2011, 10:31 PM

I feel for ya.

My version of that: Elective wisdom tooth removal.

Step 1. Top 2 wisdom teeth. Pop out like chiclets. Nooo problem.

Step 2. Two weeks later (After a vacation) I have appointment to get bottom two removed. One thing to note, many anesthetics don't work on me, those that do don't last.

Scheduled for 1 hour to do both teeth.

2+ hours later I had blood all over my face, all over the dentist's clear face mask, all over the front of the dental assistant. I've had 9....yes 9....shots of whatever painkiller. And only one tooth is out.

The bastard tried to schedule me for the other tooth on the following week. (The assistant gave me a look and told me to get an oral surgeon when he left the room.)

On the upside, no infection. Oh, and no speeding ticket. You win Heist!!!



But I can really commiserate. I hope you start feeling well soon!


I want my baby back, baby back, baby back....Chileeeeee's bay back...
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September 1, 2011, 10:32 PM

Great story. Too bad that is was because of an unfortunate circumstance. I had Military Docs pull out my molars. I have big teeth also, took about 20 min of lifting me out of the chair by my face to get em out. Make sure to over lap those pain pills as much as you can.


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September 1, 2011, 10:57 PM



The throttle is on the left side right?

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September 1, 2011, 10:59 PM

Seriously? A couple weak ass vics and you are incessantly rambling like a meth addict. Digging into the bottle like a fiend? Slow down man... you clearly cant handle your drugs.


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September 2, 2011, 12:00 AM

Vicodin? That shit is like baby aspirin to me.

Also: Cool story bro.


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September 2, 2011, 12:22 AM

Heist on drugs is funny rambling Heist...



Nice price for the dx and tx

gl with the big empty


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No one gives a fuck about your puff out your chest bravado.
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September 2, 2011, 05:52 AM

Thread delivers lulz and nightmares. I'm as confused as a third grader watching porn right now.


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September 2, 2011, 06:17 AM



But yeah, teeth pain sucks bawlz.


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I watch a LOT of gay porn.
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September 2, 2011, 07:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slow
Vicodin? That shit is like baby aspirin to me.

Also: Cool story bro.
I wanted a Percocet or Oxycotin prescription but his attending wouldn't write it. The highest they would go is Vicodin.
Disappointed. I was really looking forward to trying Oxy. Not to mention I heard you can sell whatever you don't use for a nice penny on the street.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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September 2, 2011, 07:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jw626
Tasted likehow a skunk smells huh?
Basically. My mouth tasted as if a rotting animal had taken up residence inside.
I kept thinking about that South Park episode where Cartman attempted to eat food with his ass so he could crap out of his mouth.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

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September 2, 2011, 08:00 AM

Quote:
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I kept thinking about that South Park episode where Cartman attempted to eat food with his ass so he could crap out of his mouth.


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I watch a LOT of gay porn.
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September 2, 2011, 08:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by HenryZX6R View Post
Crap Out Your Mouth (Season 6, Episode - Video Clips - South Park Studios



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

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