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Don't Even Reply: E-mails from an asshole
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  (#1)
SaS
Sas pronounced Sauce.
 
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Join Date: August 13, 2008
Location: In the city
Don't Even Reply: E-mails from an asshole - December 10, 2009, 01:19 PM

This is some really funny stuff. Enjoy.

http://dontevenreply.com/

From site:
What is this?
This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off.

Here's a sample from the website:
Barely Legal Little League
Posted at: 2009-11-25 02:31:59 | 149 comments | Add Comment

Original ad:
We are a little league team looking for a sponsor for the upcoming season. Email if you are interested in helping out. Thanks!

From Me to ********@***********.org

Good afternoon,

I came across your ad looking for a sponsor for your little league team. I am interested if you still need one. Let me know, and we can discuss the details.

Thanks,
Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Hey Mike,
My name is Joe. I have been the coach of this team and greatly appreciate the offer. We still do need a sponsor and I would like to hear what you have to offer. The league will not start up again until mid-April so we will have some time. Let me know what you were thinking for sponsorship, you can email or call me anytime at (***)***-****
Thanks,
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

Joe,

I am glad to hear you are still interested. I would like to have my company name on your team's uniform and fence sign. How much would it cost to do this?

Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,
The cost to fully sponsor our team would be $800. It would cover ordering the jerseys and equipment. At the end of the season you will be recognized at our ceremony and will receive a framed photo of the team and your own uniform. What is your company's name and do you have a website?
Thanks,
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

That sounds reasonable Joe. I am the founder of an adult film company called BarelyLegalSuperSluts. We specialize in 18+ amateur pornography and I would like to get our name out there. We plan on lanuching our site around April, so I think the timing would be perfect with your league. I can forward you our logo and we will discuss designs for the uniforms.

Mike

From Joe ********* to Me:

Mike,
Do you realize this sponsorship is for a little league team?
Joe

From Me to Joe *********:

Yes, you told me that. I think it is great that I'll be able to help kids enjoy America's greatest pastime.

From Joe ********* to Me:

and you honestly expect a bunch of kids to be sporting a jersey that says Barely Legal Super Sluts?

From Me to Joe *********:

Is it too long to fit on the jersey? We could just call them the Super Sluts for short as long as the sign on the field included the link to our website.

From Joe ********* to Me:

No that isn't the problem. This team is for kids and we can't have them wearing shirts that say Super Sluts on them. It is highly offensive and the league most likely wouldn't even allow it.

From Me to Joe *********:

How about we call them the Barely Legal Little Leaguers? I would include a free copy of our Super Sluts Slurping Loads DVD for every parent that attends the game. The DVD features over 3 hours of sluts with hilarious outtakes and alternate endings. I could even have a few of our stars come out and mud wrestle during the 7th inning stretch. I think it could pull in a lot more of an audience for your little league.

From Joe ********* to Me:

No! Thats even worse! Look Mike I appreciate you trying to help our team out but this is absolutely the wrong place to be advertising your porn. If you would still like to contribute you can but we cannot have your company name associated with our team.

From Me to Joe *********:

If this is how you treat every sponsor that wants to help your team out, you will never get any money. Sooner or later you are going to have to whore yourself out to someone, which is a valuable lesson learned in my Big Sluts: Big Loads DVD. I could give that one out to the parents instead, due to the educational value.

From Joe ********* to Me:

You just dont quit do you? Aint happening so go to hell!
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  (#2)
T.R.I.T.D.H
 
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Join Date: June 9, 2008
Location: Whoodbridge?
December 10, 2009, 01:25 PM

kinda old....


What do you value more? Life or Image?

"I don't ride, I usually just sit around wearing a tshirt and my icon back protector and talk shit about anyone who does not have a liter bike. That's how you can pick me out of a crowd. I also wear a red tophat."
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  (#3)
TPG - screw face
 
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Location: Manassas
December 10, 2009, 01:26 PM

Barely Legal Little Leaguers say that 5 times fast.

i like the one about the guy that has the refridgerator
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Your Ad Here
 
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Posts: 32,592
Join Date: August 25, 2008
Location: Washington, D.C.
December 10, 2009, 01:32 PM

LMAO

Quote:
From Joe ********* to Me:

and you honestly expect a bunch of kids to be sporting a jersey that says Barely Legal Super Sluts?

From Me to Joe *********:


Is it too long to fit on the jersey? We could just call them the Super Sluts for short as long as the sign on the field included the link to our website.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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  (#5)
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Heist's Avatar
 
Posts: 32,592
Join Date: August 25, 2008
Location: Washington, D.C.
December 10, 2009, 01:40 PM

You know what - this reminds me of Holla Daddy.com
http://www.holladaddy.com/
Victim’s name:
pRiNcEsS TaMmy bOo
Photo:

Bulletin she sent to her friends:
i cant believe that i graduated a year ago. time has flown by. things are so different from the way they used to be. a year ago i was just a kid so happy to be done with high school. now im an adult trying to make my way in this world. thinkin about graduation and grad night gives me chills. to my grads..make it the best. u only do it once. congrats 09! special congrats to trevor an sasha. love you guys.
My response:
SPURGLEBOOZERS.
Her:
spurgleboozers?
Me:
Yup. How many do you want?
Her:
ummm..17.
Me:
Oooooooooooooooooooo.. you dirty dirty girl.
Her:
hahaha. i dont even know what spurlgeboozrs are.
Me:
It’s when I take a dump in your hair and then smash your face in with a Golden Girls DVD box set until I achieve orgasm. I just placed the order for season 1 on Amazon.com. Where do you want to meet up to make this happen?
No response.
Me:
Should I go ahead and order Season 2? They’re offering free shipping today.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527


Last edited by Heist; December 10, 2009 at 01:43 PM..
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  (#6)
TPG - screw face
 
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December 10, 2009, 03:41 PM

spurgleboozers FTW
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Your Ad Here
 
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Posts: 32,592
Join Date: August 25, 2008
Location: Washington, D.C.
December 10, 2009, 04:20 PM

Identity used for this conversation:

“GhettoPhresh”
Victim’s name:
Feature Photography
Photo:

Message he sent me:
hey im in LOS ANGELES with shoots starting as low as $100 AND YOU GET THE PIX BACK THE SAME DAY contact me if you are interested…
xxx-xxx-xxxx … YOU SHOULD ALSO LEAVE YOUR CONTACT
My response:
Do you do nudes as well?
Him:
i do it all when are you thinking about
Me:
Sometime in July would be nice. I’m looking for some nude/xxx stuff for my portfolio actually.
Him:
well whats your contact
Me:
Do you also know anybody that would be available to do the shoot with me? Just simple blowjob / facial stuff. MAYBE some vaginal penetration. I haven’t decided yet. Do you know anyone? Would you be interested? I’m really looking to get my portfolio going.
-Lakendra Robinson

Him:
i know some people does their face have to show
Me:
Nope. It’s up to them really. They can wear a clown mask or soemthing if they want.
Him:
well i have someone.. or i can do the pov angle too when are you ready though .. i actually shoot alot of girls in the porn industry
Me:
Oh good. I didn’t want to scare you away before. I’m actually looking to do a shoot with some kinky stuff in there. Like gets some shots with me doing some glass bottom boatride or maybe a Milwaukee MeatRaffle.
Him:
thats a lil out there dont knw who you can get for tht
Me:
Well don’t worry about it. If worse comes to worse and you can’t find anybody I can just bring my ferrets to the shoot. They’re shaved now so cleanup is WAY easier. So what are your rates typically?
Him:
well i have this special till the 1st if you are interested leave me your contact or call me xxx-xxx-xxxx
50 pictures – 1 Outfits (includes 2 images with Master retouching)$100 (IN STUDIO ONLY)
100 pictures – 2 Outfits (includes 4 images with Master retouching)$200 (STUDIO OR ON LOCATION)
150 pictures – 3 Outfits (includes 6 images with Master retouching)$275 (STUDIO OR ON LOCATION)
200 pictures – 4 Outfits (includes 8 images with Master retouching)$350 (STUDIO OR ON LOCATION)
250 pictures – 5 Outfits (includes 10 images with Master retouching)$400 (STUDIO OR ON LOCATION)
and you get all the photos that day on a cd (with any packag
Me:
Dammmmmmmn. That’s not bad. But now I’m thinking I might need help putting the ferrets in mah booty. If I chipped in a bit extra paper do thinks a sista could get a hand wit dat? (or a fist)
Him:
what im not understanding is why wouldnt you just want to go with something simple
Me:
Well I already HAVE the ferrets
Him:
I dont’ think we’ll be able to work together.
Me:
Whatever, virgin.



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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Heist's Avatar
 
Posts: 32,592
Join Date: August 25, 2008
Location: Washington, D.C.
December 10, 2009, 04:24 PM

Identity used for this conversation:

“GhettoPhresh”
Victim’s name:
How can u be soft in a world made of stone?
Photo:

My message to him:
nicca, i wanna get wit chu.
His response:
fo sho, give me 5 good reasons y along with ur name and number…
Me:
Mah name’s Lakenda. And here’s the 5: pussy, ass, tits, mouth, fists.
So wut u lyke 2 do for fun, cockbreath?
Him:
naw, turn bitches like u out and make my money, so drop ur digits and we’ld push that line…
Me:
You make my cock so hard.
Him:
lol lmao lol, so ur one of those dudes that be fiening of being something close to a woman? lol

Me:
Your incoherent misspellings only make my cock harder and purple’er.
Him:
in correct, mis spelling? ok, u say wut u say but ur fak, fraudulent, posing as a woman when ur a dude trying to get your rocks off the internet… ur bitch made, thats obvious and plain to see
Me:
Shut up and cum on my adam’s apple.
Him:
is that pik really u?
Me:
Yes.
Him:
and ur a dude?
Me:
nahh nicca, im playin wit u. of course imma gurl. I do lyke yo pics tho. So wut u into, sexxi?
Him:
making money, art, tattooing, music, and just being me… dating exotic women and making new friends, and u?
Me:
Oh, you’re into art? i gots a quetion den…do you believe that in the 16th century, the Netherlandic painter Heironymous Bosch really created all of the paintings and tryptichs that were under his name, or that there was, in fact, a group of scholars posing as Heironymous Bosch as theorized by many art historians? i jus want to no cuz yo art likein is sexxy. holla?
Him:
lol, i believe he was an alchemist who delve in the after life and his paintings was a reflection of man’s constant strugle with good and evil and where the soul ends up after death…. nice of u to test my skills but my skills are never to be questioned…. and y r u into art like that? do u paint, collect or just found his paintings weird and attracting?
Me:
sorry daddi i jus thought you was playin cuz mos niccaz aint down wit ma boi bosch. you in2 bruegel n shit? dat nicca get me WET.
Him:
give me ur number and i bet i’ld have u dripping like a faucet in heat….
Me:
mmmmmm I can’t wait to talk about art 2getha in the soft glow of candlelight while we touch eachuthas hard cawks.
Him:
then wuts ur number…
Me:
gimme urs furst
Him:
stop playing games u first…
Me:
arp
Him:
arp, wut does that mean?
Me:
God, I want you inside of me.
Him:
then give me ur name and number and we can make it happen
Me:
turplesnag
Him:
bye
Me:
xxx-xxx-xxxx
I made up some random number.
Him:
i’m calling u tonight
Me:
FINALY. I want you so bad.
Him:
the number u gave me is fake like u lakenda, ur getting deleted unless u stop playing and do as i say
Me:
I dont want 2 giv u mah number until u add me 2 ur frends list. i dont even no wut chu look lyke.
Him:
ur a joke… my piks is on my slide, u already seen them and if i add u this will be the 3rd time, game ova. IF I ADD U NOW IT WILL BE THE 3RD TIME I ADDED UR ASS AND IT WILL BE THE SAME BULLSHIT AFTER THAT, AS FOR MY PIKS THERE ON MY SLIDE PLAY WITH THE NEXT MAN CAUSE I DONE WITH U
Me:
I’m sorry, I didn’t know. All things aside, I really do find you interesting. I’m just nervous and a little bad at this sort of thing. Please give me another chance? I’d love to talk to you. Would it still be alright if I called you? I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Him:
give me ur number if its real we’ld talk and start over
Me:
OK here it is.. 555-555-5555
Him:
u know wuts going to happen if thats not the right number right?
Me:
wut? you’ll be a dumb, trickazz gump faggot? that’s a shocker. send me a pic of you eating fiberglass insulation.
Him:
talk shit where u r but in person? o i forgot ur too scared to be seen, go back to the sewers u cum drunk trick our convo iz ova
Me:
yea? wut u gonna do if we meet up in person, gump? u gonna kick my ass? u all tawk, trickazz bustah. imma tear out ur balls an make u eat dose bishes.
Him:
keep talking trick…
Me:
Talking looks like it’s all you know you to do, chump.
God, I want to fuck you so hard.
Him:
well dream about me bitch!!! thats the only it could happen
Me:
Let’s meet up and fuck in the back of a car.
Him:
keep dreaming u stupid bitch cause i told u b4 so y ur still on my nutts, u stupid ho?
Me:
Because I’m in love with you.
Him:
no, ur a liar, if u was in love with me, games would of neva been played, but in the end u played urself, so deal with it
Me:
We have to stop this fickle feud. I just found out I’m pregnant with your baby. We have to get along for the sake of our child.
Him:
ur officially ignored, have fun
Me:
if dats how u gonna play it, den imma get the courts involved. u cant duck out on this repsonsabality. u hav a child now and u cant ignore it. babies cost money. u should have thot twice before impreggnating me if u didnt want 2 deal wit this kind of thing.
No reponse.
Me:
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer, trickass bustah.
Him:
u stupid stalker man bitch, u try something stupid like that i’ld sue u for all the pennies u have and charge ur backwards lawyer with malepractice, legal misrepresentation, and have him or her bared from the state and any other state following…
Me:
I’m sorry. I’m just trying to find a way for us to be together. I miss you TERRIBLY.
Him:
how r u going to miss something u neva had?
Me:
I have a brain disorder. Plus I can see the future. We are going to get happily married and start a business smuggling Parsnoxinol over the Mexican border. In case you don’t also have the dreams where you see the future, Parsnoxinol is a drug that will be invented in 2017. It has the ability to cure cancer, HIV and hangnails. It quickly becomes approved by the FDA and becomes so popular that it replaces the Euro as the world’s currency. BUT.. several years after its public adoption and widespread use, dangerous side effects become known. Users of the drug lose control of their bladders permanently and also develop tattoos of ducks and unicorns on their backs. Also, whenever Saved By the Bell reruns air on TBS, Parsnoxinol users go into a trance-like state and kill dictionary salesmen. The drug is soon outlawed despite its demand by the public. You and I rob trains carrying shipments of the drug on horseback and smuggle it into Tucson by stuffing Parsnoxinol filled condoms into our rectums. It actually becomes quite a profitable business. We end up affording to buy an air hockey table.
Him:
nice dream, its twisted just like u, has no meaning, and its not me and u, but it is a good movie and a nice video game, a nutt job u r but ur stupidity brings something out of me so yea, move on
Me:
My stupidity? I’m sorry that the fact that I have a vagina scares you, you stupid faggot. It’s time to come out of the closet you raging fruitcake.
Him:
lol, ur a man, a stalker and can’t take no for an answer, u want me i don’t want u i got many y would i eed u?
Me:
I just want you to gobble my knob. Is that so much to ask? Can’t a brutha gets a toothy one at least?



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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  (#9)
TPG - screw face
 
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December 10, 2009, 04:31 PM

he added her 3 times?? wtf
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Posts: 32,592
Join Date: August 25, 2008
Location: Washington, D.C.
December 10, 2009, 06:14 PM

^^^Nah, this is a dude (or woman) who basically uses a female or male picture (usually some ghetto ass black chick or hood dude w/his shirt off) and baits idiots (usually desperate simps of either sex) on MySpace into outlandish conversations.

Starts out normal enough - but always ends up on some crazy wild shit.

Quote:
Him:
making money, art, tattooing, music, and just being me… dating exotic women and making new friends, and u?
Me:
Oh, you’re into art? i gots a quetion den…do you believe that in the 16th century, the Netherlandic painter Heironymous Bosch really created all of the paintings and tryptichs that were under his name, or that there was, in fact, a group of scholars posing as Heironymous Bosch as theorized by many art historians? i jus want to no cuz yo art likein is sexxy. holla?


Me:
I have a brain disorder. Plus I can see the future. We are going to get happily married and start a business smuggling Parsnoxinol over the Mexican border. In case you don’t also have the dreams where you see the future, Parsnoxinol is a drug that will be invented in 2017. It has the ability to cure cancer, HIV and hangnails. It quickly becomes approved by the FDA and becomes so popular that it replaces the Euro as the world’s currency. BUT.. several years after its public adoption and widespread use, dangerous side effects become known. Users of the drug lose control of their bladders permanently and also develop tattoos of ducks and unicorns on their backs. Also, whenever Saved By the Bell reruns air on TBS, Parsnoxinol users go into a trance-like state and kill dictionary salesmen. The drug is soon outlawed despite its demand by the public. You and I rob trains carrying shipments of the drug on horseback and smuggle it into Tucson by stuffing Parsnoxinol filled condoms into our rectums. It actually becomes quite a profitable business. We end up affording to buy an air hockey



“Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a Prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires”.

- Nicolo Machiavelli 1469-1527

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