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  (#1)
Your dirty Uncle
 
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Posts: 498
Join Date: April 15, 2005
Location: El ManasSador
April 21, 2005, 08:02 PM

Texas Chili Cook Off!
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey ...
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
~Chili~ # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy SHIT!, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~Chili~ # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

~Chili~ # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk.

~Chili~ # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
~Chili~ # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't see for the tears gushing out of my eye sockets. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

~Chili~ # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

~Chili~ # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. It is blending with the chili that keeps spewing out of my ass when I fart. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

~Chili~ # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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  (#2)
DAS BOOT
 
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Posts: 13,986
Join Date: June 28, 2004
Location: Hell, need some suntan lotion?
April 21, 2005, 08:11 PM

Uhhh.... welcome.... I think?
whatcha riding? Or is this strictly a chili thing?


Wow. Just..................wow.
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  (#3)
ATTN INVESTORS!
 
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Join Date: August 28, 2004
Location: DOPE SPACE NINE
April 21, 2005, 08:18 PM



I liked that.



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  (#4)
( * )|( * )
 
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Posts: 12,837
Join Date: June 15, 2004
April 21, 2005, 08:30 PM

Ok...judge "Frank" is really Kepi...aka Jeff...


Chris
2008 MARRC AM Racer of the Year
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  (#5)
whats in your drink?
 
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Posts: 7,808
Join Date: May 25, 2004
Location: Mineral VA. If you know where it is you can pass go
April 21, 2005, 09:09 PM

Chris you R wrong Pokeys the real deal. New 2 the sight not 2 the world


Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya!
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Take care of new riders, we were them, and they will be us.
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  (#6)
Licensed Rider
 
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Posts: 172
Join Date: December 29, 2002
Location: Bowie, Maryland
April 21, 2005, 09:13 PM

Man...it's a good thing I am the only person in the SCIF. Nearly pissed myself. Kudos to the author...haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
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  (#7)
Got my Permit
 
Posts: 26
Join Date: April 13, 2005
Location: Anne Arundel County
April 21, 2005, 10:14 PM

that was pretty funny!
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  (#8)
What's today? aah fuck it
 
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Posts: 14,163
Join Date: April 30, 2004
Location: classified
April 21, 2005, 11:09 PM

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  (#9)
Addicted to farm animals
 
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Posts: 4,132
Join Date: September 30, 2002
Location: Elkton/Luray( home of the kuntry boys)
April 22, 2005, 11:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marine2651
Man...it's a good thing I am the only person in the SCIF. Nearly pissed myself. Kudos to the author...haven't laughed that hard in a long time.



Me too. My gut hurts like hell now


Ride Hard or Put it Away. Trickn is life.
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