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  (#1)
Unicorn Rider
 
averagebrunette's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,157
Join Date: May 18, 2005
Location: Front Royal
May 27, 2005, 01:11 PM

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it's never happened)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


'15 Ducati 821 Monster
Miss my GSXR
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  (#2)
Officially Addicted to Posting
 
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Posts: 6,622
Join Date: October 1, 2002
Location: Boston, MA area
May 27, 2005, 01:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by averagebrunette
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
Didn't work in Ed's case did it?
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  (#3)
Brainwash Your Face!
 
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Posts: 17,231
Join Date: June 4, 2003
May 27, 2005, 01:13 PM

Seriously #4 is freaking funny

However scary from the mental that enter my feeble brain.


"Someone should donkey punch that bitch with a waffle iron then upload the video to World Star Hip Hop" ~.Nets Resident Chivalrous Gentlemen Stillie

RIP KATIE RIP BAMBAM RIP VEGA
Gasoline by The Bouncing Souls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOxc2cM75NI


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  (#4)
Unicorn Rider
 
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Posts: 1,157
Join Date: May 18, 2005
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May 27, 2005, 01:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rddy
Quote:
Originally Posted by averagebrunette
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
Didn't work in Ed's case did it?
Is it Ed that is the official .NET leg humper?


'15 Ducati 821 Monster
Miss my GSXR
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  (#5)
Officially Addicted to Posting
 
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Join Date: October 1, 2002
Location: Boston, MA area
May 27, 2005, 01:17 PM

Ok, so maybe it's Craig! Kind of a toss up!

















p.s. only because I live in Richmond now!
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  (#6)
BE ENCOURAGED!
 
GUZZ's Avatar
 
Posts: 4,197
Join Date: June 23, 2003
Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
May 27, 2005, 01:18 PM

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.


FOREVER #47 "Walking In The Echo...."
Are you a 'Secret Believer"? Do you Conceal your faith from your family, friends and co-workers? Isn't it about time to step out of hiding and let others know whom you follow?
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  (#7)
Typical Stripper
 
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Posts: 16,605
Join Date: May 27, 2005
Location: Between old and slow
May 27, 2005, 01:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by boomchic00
Seriously #4 is freaking funny
+1

Ok now for more

Men and Women

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6 CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


Nate CCS/ASRA #29 - www.nudebikesracing.com - 2012 MARRC AM Racer of the Year

Ticket2Speed, RnR Cycles, Twin Works Factory, Scorpion Helmets, Pro Speed Racing Apparel, Vortex, DC-Moto.net/Amsoil, Dunlop, Sharkskinz, DCSportbikes.net
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  (#8)
Happiness Consultant
 
EduardoSuave's Avatar
 
Posts: 7,231
Join Date: August 31, 2003
Location: The LC
May 27, 2005, 01:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by averagebrunette
Quote:
Originally Posted by rddy
Quote:
Originally Posted by averagebrunette
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
Didn't work in Ed's case did it?
Is it Ed that is the official .NET leg humper?
not to my knowledge. maybe youre talking about nunya/ed.


DBR
#135, #47, Vega
--
"Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself." - Confucius

Will pay to see this
whatever henry's name is these days: jason, seriously, im going to kick your face in when I get back
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  (#9)
BE ENCOURAGED!
 
GUZZ's Avatar
 
Posts: 4,197
Join Date: June 23, 2003
Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
May 27, 2005, 01:21 PM

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


FOREVER #47 "Walking In The Echo...."
Are you a 'Secret Believer"? Do you Conceal your faith from your family, friends and co-workers? Isn't it about time to step out of hiding and let others know whom you follow?
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  (#10)
Unicorn Rider
 
averagebrunette's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,157
Join Date: May 18, 2005
Location: Front Royal
May 27, 2005, 01:23 PM

ok, those are good 2, but #12... mark it on a calender.. that would require you to look at one every day and to look a head to see what is coming up... does that really work with guys?


'15 Ducati 821 Monster
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  (#11)
BE ENCOURAGED!
 
GUZZ's Avatar
 
Posts: 4,197
Join Date: June 23, 2003
Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
May 27, 2005, 01:27 PM

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.


FOREVER #47 "Walking In The Echo...."
Are you a 'Secret Believer"? Do you Conceal your faith from your family, friends and co-workers? Isn't it about time to step out of hiding and let others know whom you follow?
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  (#12)
Typical Stripper
 
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Posts: 16,605
Join Date: May 27, 2005
Location: Between old and slow
May 27, 2005, 01:29 PM

Here is another version of Guzzler's

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"...ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Nate CCS/ASRA #29 - www.nudebikesracing.com - 2012 MARRC AM Racer of the Year

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  (#13)
BE ENCOURAGED!
 
GUZZ's Avatar
 
Posts: 4,197
Join Date: June 23, 2003
Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
May 27, 2005, 01:35 PM

Here are the correct answers to the 5 hardest and most often incorrectly answered questions a female may ask you.

The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know, " Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear, " said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, " said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright, " said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see, " said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really, " said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear, " said the husband. "She is left-handed."


FOREVER #47 "Walking In The Echo...."
Are you a 'Secret Believer"? Do you Conceal your faith from your family, friends and co-workers? Isn't it about time to step out of hiding and let others know whom you follow?
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  (#14)
Typical Stripper
 
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Posts: 16,605
Join Date: May 27, 2005
Location: Between old and slow
May 27, 2005, 01:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by GUZZLER
"She is left-handed."
BING!


Nate CCS/ASRA #29 - www.nudebikesracing.com - 2012 MARRC AM Racer of the Year

Ticket2Speed, RnR Cycles, Twin Works Factory, Scorpion Helmets, Pro Speed Racing Apparel, Vortex, DC-Moto.net/Amsoil, Dunlop, Sharkskinz, DCSportbikes.net
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  (#15)
Happiness Consultant
 
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Posts: 7,231
Join Date: August 31, 2003
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May 27, 2005, 01:39 PM

guzzler, WTF are u doing reading 'Sassy' ?!


DBR
#135, #47, Vega
--
"Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself." - Confucius

Will pay to see this
whatever henry's name is these days: jason, seriously, im going to kick your face in when I get back
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