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ArlingtonRider's Avatar
Posts: 1,395
Join Date: April 9, 2003
Location: Sol System
May 30, 2003, 04:03 PM

Dear Alcohol,

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling
factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. Your many
sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than
beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)

Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed: the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game...and you're
even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been
wondering about your intentions.

You see, I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 AM.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,
though cooking is far from my specialty,
why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce
coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down
with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic
eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me
to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can
often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are
heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,
Sombreros, Bows, Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals,
traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see
if in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old
"Hey, you're in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should
heretofore be rendered illegal.
Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's F***." While I may be thinking
this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would
keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be
in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask
that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any
day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair-you do your
part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some
years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms.

You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what
to do with the extra money in our pockets.

In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you Sincerely.

Your Biggest Fan,

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God of the Gaps
Cripes's Avatar
Posts: 2,689
Join Date: October 8, 2002
Location: Charles Town
May 30, 2003, 04:42 PM

P.S. - Please stop making me post stupid things on the board.

[Edited on 30/5/2003 by Cripes]
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