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Political Humor - October 16, 2008, 09:51 AM

Late Night Political Humor.

Jay Leno: "I come from New England," and fall "is like the most beautiful time of the year in New England." But "fall is different here in Los Angeles. Here, when people say, 'I'm going to drive around and see the leaves change color,'" they mean that they will be following the path of one of our fires, "watching trees burst into orange and red flames."

Jay Leno: "Man! The fire's, what, about five or six miles from the studio here." You know, in "some areas of LA, the smoke was so thick" today, "you couldn't even see the smog."

Jay Leno: "And of course, people in Hollywood" do not "know how to deal with fires, especially celebrities," because "when Hollywood celebrities see a burning bush, they rush towards it," thinking "Barack Obama's about to speak."

Jay Leno: "And tonight was the very last presidential debate. So you know what that means? Prayer does work."

Jay Leno: "Oh, this interesting. Hillary Clinton said, on Fox News, there's no chance of her running for president again...this year."

Jay Leno: "You know, an article in 'The Washington Post,' today" said "some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs."

Jay Leno: But Biden is "not the only one" under the medical experts' microscopes, because these same experts are now "accusing John McCain of being pumped full of formaldehyde."

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code."

Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said today if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough."

Jay Leno: "Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe."

Jay Leno: "I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but, this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul."

Jay Leno: "And they gave out the Nobel prize for economics this week." It "went to a highly intelligent economist whose theory...is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. He determined -- this is his theory -- he determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back!"

Jay Leno: "To give you an idea how bad the economy is, I saw Eliot Spitzer's hooker...handing out coupons" today.

Jay Leno: "You know how bad" the economy is? Over "at Johnson & Johnson, they had to lay off a Johnson."

Jay Leno: The economy is so bad, you "know 'The Beverly Hills Chihuahua'? Had to move to Van Nuys."

Jay Leno: "Vice President Dick Cheney was treated, today, for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices."

Jay Leno: "Well, doctors now say drinking alcohol shrink your brain. ... Their proof -- the last eight years of the White House."

Jay Leno: "In environmental news, the newest trend in wedding rings is to make them from wood. A company called Simply Wood Rings is now making wooden wedding rings out of salvaged lumber. Oh, yeah, good luck with that, guys." Who is this ring for, "guys who think a cigar band is a little too fancy?"

David Letterman: "Hey, ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today" for an "abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses," and "and he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon."

David Letterman: "How about that Senator Barack Obama? ... He's going door to door, knocking on doors," and "I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag of Halloween candy."

David Letterman: "But it was a little embarrassing when" Obama rang the doorbell "at two of McCain's houses."

David Letterman: "The third presidential debate took place in our neck of the woods, out on Long Island. Topics they covered: Economy, foreign policy, and Billy Joel's ex-wives."

David Letterman: "I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question...who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer."

David Letterman: "But...they're going right down to the wire here. You have Barack Obama and you have John McCain. And...what a soap opera" this "has become. It's the 'Old & The Restless.'"

David Letterman: "Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I mean, I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta."

David Letterman: "Every debate" has "an embarrassing moment" where "one of the candidates" gets confused, and it "happened again earlier tonight." The candidates were "sitting at desks -- that was the new breakthrough, sitting at desks -- and John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the Grand Slam Breakfast."

David Letterman: "I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Chloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

David Letterman: "What" is "exciting" me now are "all these twists and turns and nuances to campaign strategies. For example, tonight, John McCain unveiled his new campaign personality, his new campaign persona -- fighting underdog. ... Now, if that doesn't work, he's going to rogue cop."

David Letterman: "And if that doesn't work," McCain will try "domineering stage mother."

David Letterman: "And if that doesn't work," McCain will go with "deformed bell ringer."

David Letterman: "And if that doesn't work," McCain will test out "cavalry commander who breaks the treaty with Cochis."

David Letterman: "And" McCain's "final personality" will be "bitch male flight attendant, so he's ready to go."

David Letterman: "How about the Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she?" For example, at tonight's presidential debate, "she was blinking McCain's answers in code."

Conan O'Brien: "Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. ... Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, 'Get him!'"

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. ... Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out."

Conan O'Brien: "Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first he wasn't sure he should take the role because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight we had the final of three debates between presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain at Hofstra University in New York. ... Obviously, McCain had a lot riding on this one. He's way behind in the polls and he doesn't have much time left. Ten years if he's lucky."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote" the debate. They "paid for everything, which is a little...odd because Cindy McCain owns" an "Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona. ... I don't know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain's not spending nearly enough time working the my wife can get us free beer angle. Right?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio so she could pick up a package of diapers." It "turned out that Senator McCain didn't need them, but...it's the thought...that counts."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Scholastic, the company" that "used to sell us books when we were in school," polled "250,000 American school kids," asking "them who they liked for president. And overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well behind Batman, The Wiggles, and Dora the Explorer."


"Riding a race bike is an art - a thing that you do because you feel something inside."

"I don't like being famous - it is like a prison. And driving for Ferrari would make it far worse."

"I race to win. If I am on the bike or in a car it will always be the same."

"I'm Valentino Rossi. And I want to be a person, not an icon."

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